Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
