So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
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He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
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Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
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