i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
