My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
