It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
