she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Randomize
