OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.