In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I just made out with a guy for $7.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
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Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
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He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila