My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
I hate when you're right.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.