I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
These 27 Creepy People Did The Craziest Things To Prove Their Love
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.