You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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