Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Randomize
