I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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