oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Randomize
