Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
