the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
