Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
