the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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