My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
