Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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