Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Randomize
