He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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