meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
