im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
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Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
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I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.