my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
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I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.