lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"