Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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