I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Randomize
