I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.