never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
