I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
We talked him into tasing himself.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
