I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
