dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
