So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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