at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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