Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
