Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
The Olympian is in my bed
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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