Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
my god I love twenty year old dicks
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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