I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Randomize
