You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
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He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
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Cover your peen. We're going out.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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