the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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