we have pet lesbian snakes
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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