i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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