Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
