my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Are we still banned from the library?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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