we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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