you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
