For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
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