If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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