so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Randomize
