There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
