OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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