I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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