I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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