dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
she peed on how many people?
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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