3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?