I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...