just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.