Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
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He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
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It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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