If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
