He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
