My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
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I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
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I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
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